Self Medicating: A letter of Gratitude to my Dealer

I walked out of the hospital today unable to fight off tears that automatically rolled down my face, and I immediately thought of you. I need a fix. I need to escape this reality. I know you can help. I know you’ll make me feel better. I know, because you are the reason I have survived the past couple years. Every day is another struggle, another hurdle, another wall, and I have gotten to the point of self medicating through you almost every day now.

I think the world has given self medicating a bad rep. We all need a resource to keep us going. We all need a resource to help us stay strong through the challenges of life. We all need a resource to help us escape when needed. Some of us just need more doses, stronger doses. Some never find the right medication. Some don’t survive.

It’s funny and sad, in a way, when people comment with how lucky I am. I don’t think needing a daily fix is a “lucky” thing, but it does help me cope and for that I am grateful. I cannot begin to express my gratitude for all you have done. You are always there for me when I need a fix. You’re never too busy, never too tired, never unwilling or unable to supply me with the exact dose I need. Because of you, I, myself, am not in a hospital or worse. Because of you, I can escape, recharge, and make it through another day. You are my source of strength, courage, confidence, and stability.

Thank you for getting me lost, so I can reconnect and find myself. Thank you for beating me up, so I can feel my strength. Thank you for making me lose my balance, so I can find stability. Thank you for scaring me, so I can feel the courage and confidence I need to keep going and get through another day. 

To my dealer, my supplier, my drug, my bike.... Thank You!